These words are part of a collection of writings from the final months of our ten-year-long journey of delayed fertility. In them, I’m pulling back the privacy-curtain and taking you inside the pages of my prayer journals to give insight to those who have not experienced infertility, and hope to those neck-deep in the lonely-midst of it.
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I had been circling Psalm 130’s waiting words for three days. Returning to them. Re-reading them. Digging into them. Unable to shake them. And the next morning, I revisited them once again, this time turning to Charles Spurgeon’s collection of explanatory notes from various pastors, teachers, scholars, and theologians on the chapter. And once again, I found solace in the words.
(8:50 am) Tuesday – 4/21/15
Waiting. “It runs counter to everything that is natural, and, therefore, it is all the more a supernatural grace of the gracious soul. In the first place, it is the posture of faith. … It is also a prayerful posture. … It is also the posture of a patient waiting for the Lord. … It is the posture of rest.
a soul waiting for the Lord is a soul resting in the Lord
Waiting and resting! Wearied with traversing in vain the wide circle of human expedients; coming to the end of all your own wisdom, strength, and resources; your uneasy, jaded spirit is brought into this resting posture of waiting on, and waiting for, the Lord; and thus folds its drooping wings upon the very bosom of God. Oh, how real and instant is the rest found in Jesus!” (The Treasury of David, Psalm 130, Condensed from “Soul Depths and Soul Heights,” by Octavius Winslow, 1874).
I wait for the LORD. Waiting is a great part of life’s discipline, and therefore, God often exercised the grace of waiting. Waiting has four purposes:
1. It practices the patience of faith.
2. It gives time for preparation for the coming gift.
3. It makes the blessing sweeter when it arrives.
4. And it shows the sovereignty of God – to give just when and just as He pleases.
In all your waitings, remember two things:
1. Let it not be so much the event which you wait for, as the Lord of the event; the Lord in the event.
2. Take care that you have a promise underneath you – “in His word do I hope” – else waiting will be too much for you, and after all, it may be in vain. (The Treasury of David, Psalm 130, James Vaughan).
Oh, LORD, the richness that is in the waiting. It’s excruciating and glorious to see the jet streams of Your glory moving and working and preparing for me, but not knowing from which they come, or to where they go, a destination near or far. Whatever it may be, my destination today? Paris. What a gift to travel and dream and photograph such a romantic city on film. Thank You for Your kindnesses, Jesus. The counterweight kisses that knock out the weight of the wait. And through it all, adventure awaits.
But the irony of all of this? In the straining and the searching and the watching and the waiting, You have been closer than ever before. You are right here. Face to face with me. I can practically smell the sweetness of Your holy breath. Oh, the peace that washes over me.