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The Last Eleven Months: 08

These words are part of a collection of writings from the final months of our ten-year-long journey of delayed fertility. In them, I’m pulling back the privacy-curtain and taking you inside the pages of my prayer journals to give insight to those who have not experienced infertility, and hope to those neck-deep in the lonely-midst of it.

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(7:00 am) Saturday, 5/2/15

Oh LORD, thank You for beautiful Saturday mornings. For birds chirping and sun shining and coffee brewing. Thank You for how You spoke yesterday. I want to go back and revisit it this morning – pick it up where we left off.

I love You, LORD.

Thank You for sustaining me through this wait. Thank You for propping me up and holding me near and providing and bestowing. Thank you, again, that the earth and heaven and the heaven of heavens cannot contain You. And yet, Your Spirit is right here. Flipping pages in the wind, and speaking to me.

Cast your burden on the LORD, and He shall sustain you.

I write the words of Psalm 55:22 newly on my morning-page, and open Charles Spurgeon’s commentary on my phone. Soon, I read the very same words that were beneath the quote in the journal that the Spirit-wind blew open yesterday:

As your days, so shall your strength be.

I keep reading. “Cast thy burden upon Him in the same way that the ship in a storm casts her burden on the anchor, which anchor holds on to its sure fixing place.” (J. M. Neale’s Commentary)

And then, I began to dig.

Burden – The Hebrew word is yĕhav. It means “that which is given (lot).”
Literally a gift!
And the root word means “to give” or “to ascribe glory.”
“Commit to God that which He has given thee or laid on thee.”

Cast your gift of delayed fertility on the LORD. And “whatever it is that you desire God give you, leave it to Him to give it to you in His own way and time … to cast our burden upon God is to stay ourselves on His providence and promise and to be very easy in the assurance that all shall work for good. If we do so, it is promised:
1. He will sustain and support and supply us, will Himself carry us in the arms of His power, and will strengthen my spirit so by His Spirit I shall sustain the infirmity.

2. He will never suffer the righteous to be moved or to be shaken by any troubles to quit either their duty to God or their comfort in Him” (Matthew Henry)

Cast the gift of delayed fertility and the desire of my heart that I am waiting for Him to give. Cast them on Him, anchor into the Rock of Ages, and trust His providence.

I bought a red bikini yesterday. It’s the purest act of faith I’ve ever done.

“I’m two steps away from buying this,” I told Josh.

“What is each step that is preventing you?” he asked.

“That the second I wear it, everyone will wonder,” I answered.

“Ah,” he said.

“Am I being silly?” I asked.

“I see it as faith,” he replied. “Buy it. Either way, babe, there is one big truth about that vision: you were wearing a red bikini on Maui.”

I shared the story with a girlfriend later that day, who said that she almost bought me a red bikini. But God told her that it was a faith-step that I had to do on my own.

So I step out, I wrote that morning, and cast my burden and the desire for the gift You have waiting for me in that red-bikini-vision, knowing that You will sustain me. And as I cast my burden, I cast a net just as the disciples did in John 21. In the aftermath and grief of losing Jesus at their breakfast by the sea.

“So they cast (where Jesus told them), and they were not able to draw the net in because of the multitude of fish” (John 21:1-14)

He sustains. And provides. And bestows blessings overflowing.

And He cooks me breakfast.

And He sustains me.

This photograph was taken almost exactly one year later, on 5/7/16:

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