These words are part of a collection of writings from the final months of our ten-year-long journey of delayed fertility. In them, I’m pulling back the privacy-curtain and taking you inside the pages of my prayer journals to give insight to those who have not experienced infertility, and hope to those neck-deep in the lonely-midst of it.
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(8:20am) Tuesday, 5/5/15
I feel it coming. The heaviness. The slipping inside of myself. The self-protection mechanisms of preparing for another period (#111 if we’re counting) that will, incidentally, come on Mother’s Day weekend.
LORD … sustain me this morning.
Thank You that You are the glory of my strength (Psalm 89:17).
You are the proud adornment of my strength (Amplified Version).
And then I glance down at a verse underlined in red and circled in green on another page: “Give Your strength to Your servant (Psalm 86:16).” And the rabbit trail of Truth starts:
“Your God has commanded your strength” (Psalm 68:28).
“The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime and in the night, His song shall be with me” (Psalm 42:8).
He commands strength.
He commands lovingkindness.
His mercy and lovingkindness are given in proportion to my waiting.
As I wait, He commands strength over me in an ongoing dance: Waiting. And strengthening. Waiting. Strengthening. TO the end that my glory may sing. In the night, when His song is with me.
And then, a voice inside me whispers: “What if I don’t want to be strong? What if I’m tired of being strong? I’ve been strong in the wait now for over nine years.” The conversation with myself begins – what a friend of mine calls “self-discipleship” when you circle around the truth, talking yourself off the teetering, giving-up ledge. What woman would work her tail off in the gym, working out and building strength and muscle definition and then decide one day, “eh, I’m tired of this. I liked my body the way it was.” If my body is the temple … what is the state of God’s sanctuary? How strong is my structure?
LORD, may I never tire entirely of being strong. When I do, meet me with Truth. This Truth, right here. Just like You did this morning. Command Your strength over me when I do not want to dig for it.
God, make me strong enough for the story You want me to tell.
When I cast what You’ve given me back onto You, God, I pray that You would toss Your strength back in return. Command Your strength over me today. And this weekend.
I’m just about to wrap up my morning when I notice one more thing in this string of promise-commands that God speaks over His people. The other thing You command? Blessings on obedience.
“The LORD will command the blessing on you in your storehouses and in all to which you set your hand, and He will bless you in the land which He is giving you” (Deuteronomy 28:8).
My soul silently waits.
My soul waits silently.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
the rock of my strength and my refuge is in You.
(Psalm 62:1, 5, 7)
“Submit yourself completely,” Spurgeon said. “Trust immovably. Wait patiently … You can only achieve this if you are inwardly persuaded of God’s presence as you wait solely and alone on Him. Unmingled faith is undismayed. … We expect from God because we believe in Him! Expectation is the child of prayer and faith … Our expectations are on the way, and in due season will arrive to satisfy our hopes. Happy is the man who feels that all he has, all he wants, and all he expects are to be found in His God.”
And then I wrote three words. Boxed them out. Without any reference for where they came from, or why I felt the need to write them. They sit there, on two lines, with a simple rectangle drawn around them.
I wouldn’t know for almost a year what they meant, what God was doing behind the scenes. But I think, on some level, it gave me another hand-hold on the waiting-wall I was climbing. Because I wouldn’t have to wait for forever, just for another six months (and I didn’t know it then, but only another four months after that).
God, in His commanded-over-me-lovingkindness, was giving a hint that I wasn’t even aware of. All I knew? That morning? He commanded His strength. And I wore it like a boss.
* The photo above was taken that night on our lanai. Because what else do you do while you’re waiting? “Celebrating Cinco de Mayo with tacos, margaritas, and a fierce game of cards. Loser does the dishes.”
So rich! I’m not happy you had to suffer for 10 years..but what I am happy about is that you used that time so wisely, depended on God hardcore, dug treasures from His word, and now you share with anyone who will listen, the richness of God’s mercy and glory while we wait for whatever it is we are called to wait for!
I love that you are able to drink from this well of mine. Thank you so much for being a part of our story!
I found your blog I think about 3 months ago. I was STUNNED by your story. How faithful is our GOD!! I cannot tell you in mere words how much HOPE you spoke into my life. My sweet hubby and I have been married for 11 years. We didn’t intentionally try to get pregnant for most of those years because we were both in Medical school and also because of health issues I was dealing with. Fast forward to 2017 – felt like several storms in our life were settling down and we started to try. Only to be facing the devastating diagnosis of low AMH and after several tries of infertility treatment, the RE we were working with said “There is nothing I can do for you. You are not a candidate for anything other than donor eggs.” Needless to say, I felt like I was punched in the guts. I’ve never felt a sorrow quite like that. I think since I was like 5 years old.. all I’ve ever wanted to be was a mom of like 10 children!! haha! 🙂 The irony!! After that tiring, long cycle of treatment and that shattering diagnosis, I quit treatment. Even before I started treatment, the Lord was speaking to me profusely. He was prodigal with his Words and promises. So much so that at times I couldn’t handle it..I would think and tell him, “Father.. I have dealt with so much in my life where you’ve been silent. But over this.. you won’t stop reassuring me with your Promises!!! I am SO grateful.. and I believe! Of course I believe!!” I wrote everything down. Only did I realize that after that diagnosis, how much I NEEDED to go over those over-abundant promises from my God to strengthen my heart. Fast forward to 2019.. I’m still waiting. He is still speaking. I am still writing them all down. And they all seem like this gorgeous network of interwoven Promises.. all linked to a GENEROUS Father who sees me and knows me and loves me and has the VERY best for me. I read your post today on this crisp, cold Saturday morning. For about 2 weeks now, God has been pointing me to 2 Kings 3. ‘I will fill this valley with pools of water..” I was puzzled that digging wells/trenches was omitted out of the newly revised NIV version. Of course it’s still there in other versions. And I thought to myself, “I’m tired, Lord…maybe I’m tired of digging. I feel so sapped of strength.” And then I read your post and read the comments about “dug treasures from His Word’ and “I love that you are able to drink from this well of mine.” I dont know what all this means.. BUT GOD does. ‘This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord..” 2 Kings 3:18. Jesus, your promises are ALWAYS yes and Amen!! Thank you dear Jane for your encouragement and your life poured out for us to drink from and be strengthened.
Oh my goodness, I love that! God is so faithful to plant those little ribbon-like trailmarkers along the way in that “you’re on the right path, keep going” kind of way that He has about Him. So, so special. xo!
Jane, your words and the path you have walked have literally been a huge source of encouragement in my life…i got the notification that this post went up and i was “busy” so it sat in my inbox. Today, just now i read the post when i needed it the most. The blessing and encouragement i received is to ask the Lord to make me strong enough for the story that He wants to tell. He met me in your words just at the perfect time.
I speak His promises over myself everyday and one of them is: “The LORD commands His blessing on my storehouses and in all that I set
my hand to do, and He blesses me in the land that He is giving me
(Deuteronomy 28:8).” … okay Lord I hear you !
Thank you for all you share, your sharing has me writing out all the thoughts in my own season of waiting and i am even thinking about carrying a journal with me to write all the word that i can down.
Congratulations Jane on the arrival of your precious baby girl!!!!!!!
I am THRILLED for you and your family – all the while praising our GOD for his sweet, fulfilled promises!!
I am the same person, ‘L’ who wrote below on November 9th.
Last week I got a stunning message from my OB Gyn saying I’m “menopausal.”
I’m in DISBELIEF to say the least..
This seems like the worst of all the blows we’ve been dealing with!!
What about all the 3 year long promises I’ve been writing down? Did I imagine all of them? Did I make them all up? It surely can’t be!!! And suppose it’s true.. I don’t know what to think other than “Let God’s words always be TRUE AND YES AND AMEN and every other word that is not from him be a lie!!” I don’t care about “the words I wrote down” coming true. I deeply CARE about GOD’s infallible words ALWAYS being true and coming true and happening in our lives on this earth as his will determines.
I am the most fallible of people. I am not worthy for any of God’s promises to come true in my life…
I have seen him come through FOR ME my ENTIRE LIFE. He surely is not going to quit now. He surely is not going to stop now..
Please keep us in your prayers as my sweet Husband and I are going through a whole new whirlwind of sorts..