Remember. It was the first word that came to me during
“The land which you cross over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water from the rain of heaven, a land for which the LORD your God cares; the
I went back to the beginning of the book to get my context-footing and didn’t get more than one verse in before I heart-smiled at a personal play on Moses’ words: “These are the words which Moses spoke to all Israel on this side of the Jordan in the wilderness,” Deuteronomy 1:1 read. I had been feeling a tug to go back and pick through my old journals – to transcribe them and dig out the treasures still hiding there. Back when I was in the wilderness. Back when we were on that side of our Jordan.
Next month will be three years of trying to get pregnant. I reread the words this afternoon while flipping back through that ten-year-old prayer journal. Every single month, I’m hopeful. As if the last 35 months in a row haven’t happened. And every single month … disappointment.
You know the ache deep within me, I wrote. You created it within me – this physical need to have a child. And I give it to you anew this morning as Beth Moore’s words ring in my ears:
That which comes naturally to everyone else, God has chosen to come supernaturally to you.
If I’m not pregnant, I prayed, would You protect my heart from disappointment?
I had no idea that I still had seven waiting-years ahead of me.
I used to hide in our closet. In the moments when the waiting-weight was crushing, I’d hide in the dark, tucked up into the back corner of our walk-in closet with the lights off and ugly cry. You are so good, I would choke out in a weeping-whisper, begging Him for a baby. Please, God, let this month be the month. And when it wasn’t, I forced myself back into
The other day, we moved our tiny, second babe’s basinette into the closet for some napping daytime darkness. I stood there sway-snuggling him in the dark, flashing back to those darker, waiting moments. The ones where I didn’t think my heart could take much
And that Deuteronomy verse? It was my verse for